Don't Go It Alone -- from Newington Life
VNA HealthCare offers support for those who have lost a loved one
by Alicia B. Smith
There's no formula or standard way to grieve. Each individual experiences a loss in a unique way.
It can take some time to come to an understanding of what has happened. There is one important thing to know, however. Those grieving for the loss of a loved one do not have to go it alone.
VNA HealthCare now provides several free bereavement support groups throughout Greater Hartford, including one that meets twice a month at Jefferson House in Newington.
In the past VNA HealthCare has offered such groups, and some have continued, others have a life span and exist only for a set amount of time, until participants feel they have gained enough support.
Through the hospice work the organization does, it became apparent that the services would be welcome once more.
The purpose of the groups is to allow those grieving a place where they can share what they are experiencing with others who have gone through a similar ordeal. They can share their thoughts or simply listen; there is no right or wrong way to participate.
Donna Gordon, MSW, a social services supervisor with VNA HealthCare, said that through the hospice program, individuals can receive three months of counseling following the death of a loved one. That has now been expanded to those whose family was not involved with hospice but who could use the support.
Nichol Burris, Th.D., bereavement coordinator with VNA HealthCare, is in charge of organizing the bereavement support groups.
It’s a way to reach out to the community,” Ms. Burris said. “They don’t have to go through their grief alone.”
Karen Brown, M.Ed., L.P.C., is a psychotherapist in private practice in West Hartford who leads the Newington group.
Before she meets with someone she does some preparation, thinking about topics to discuss. However, she said, more often than not the members of the group take it upon themselves to direct the meetings.
It’s lovely to watch the interaction between members.”
Part of her responsibility is to help members understand how normal their feelings and behaviors are as they pass through phases of the grieving process.
Although everyone grieves differently, there are some common issues that many go through.
For example, overeating and sleeplessness are not unusual. Neither is experiencing a lack of concentration, feelings of hopelessness and the inability to make decisions. Grief can also be accompanied by loneliness, depression, anger and feelings of isolation and sadness.
Ms. Brown said some may experience all of these “symptoms” or just some of them; they may not experience them all at once, but rather feel one thing one day and have entirely different feelings the next.
“It’s helpful to know that, “ she said.
“This is a resource for people in the community.” Then there are occasions that may develop that bring with them a new set of challenges. The holiday season, full of traditions and memories, can be an especially difficult time of year when the person you shared the season with is no longer there.
By sharing their personal grieving issues, members can gain a sense of hope that one day their feelings may change and improve that the sense of sadness and loss, which can be overwhelming, will ease.
They help each other develop a new sense of identity. In many cases the survivor was the sole caretaker. They may have had that role for so long they no longer see themselves as anything else.
“After awhile often people feel that people don’t want to hear of their sadness,” said Ms. Brown, adding that those who are grieving though may still need to talk about the loss of their loved one. And rather than burden their friends and family, they can share with others who are willing to listen.
“It’s a safe place to share.”
And there is always a chance new friendships will be formed.
Ms. Gordon said the group in Glastonbury came to a point where, collectively, they seemed to no longer need grief counseling, per se, but continued to meet because of the sense of camaraderie that developed. Rather than continue meeting as a support group, the members formed a social group and began to get together for activities and outings. A bereavement support group still exists as well.
Several groups in the area meet during the day that mostly cater to older people who like being able to go to a nearby location. However, the groups are open to anyone.
The Newington group meets the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month from 2:30 to 4 p.m. at the Jefferson House, 1 John H. Stewart Drive.
The groups are open to all ages. There are members who come who have lost a spouse and others who have lost an adult child.
VNA HealthCare also offers bereavement groups for those of the Jewish faith and those living an alternative lifestyle.
Gesher Hachaim, or Bridge of Life, is a Jewish bereavement support group that meets at the West Hartford Senior Center, 15 Starkel Road. It meets the first and third Tuesday of each month from 3:30 to 4:30 p.m.
The alternative lifestyle bereavement group will begin to meet this month in Hartford.
In addition to Newington and Glastonbury, groups also meet at Emeritus at South Windsor and at the White Oaks Residence Center in Manchester. There is also a group that meets at Hartford Hospital and another in Meriden. For more information on these and the other groups, call Nichol Burris at (860) 525-7001.
“We are always looking for new people,” said Ms. Brown. “It keeps it fresh; it really benefits people when they come.”
Those interested in attending one of the groups are first asked to call Ms. Burris. She can then talk to them and answer questions. It may be, too, that the individual just needs to reach out, and that one phone call can be just the thing. Others, Ms. Burris said, find that a support group is not a good fit, while others can realize that it is just the thing they were looking for.
“I want them to feel this is a safe place to be,” Ms. Burris said.
“They shouldn’t feel afraid,” Ms. Gordon said of making that phone call or attending a meeting. “Making that phone call is the first step, but it’s not a commitment.”
Ms. Brown added too that if a member attends a few meetings, they may realize that being there does not feel right and decide not to come back, and that’s all right, too.
